Of Seuss and Jerkoffs

I can’t seem to get away from creepy men (exclusively) who message me to chat about stuff they find erotic so they can get off.

Most recently, I was re-contacted by someone who contacted me ages ago and this time, he had forgotten who I was and was wondering why I was on his buddy list. After I reminded him how we knew each other, and that last time he began harassing me to wank on cam for him (yes, I phrased it that way) he remembered me and began to… harass me to wank on cam for him.

I wish to God I had the transcript, but I was on my netbook and the transcript is lost to the ether. He asked me no less than ten times in different ways to either cam for him, or to answer pervy questions so he could wank to my answers. I’ll sum it up a bit for you, so you can see the overall feeling of the convo.

Douche: So why don’t you cam?

Me: Because I don’t.

Douche: Do you think people who cam are bold and confident, or slutty whores?

Me: I don’t care.

Douche: You can cam and retain your dignity.

Me: Awesome. I still don’t cam.

Douche: Do you review butt toys?

Me: Exclusively butt toys, and only giant ones.

Douche: Is that sarcasm?

Me: Yes.

Douche: …so do you review butt toys?

Me: How is your weekend going? (I tried to change the subject)

Douche: Are you trying to change the subject by evading my questions and prevent me from masturbating?

Me: I don’t want to help you masturbate, I don’t care that you’re masturbating, and I won’t engage in smutty conversations with you. If you want to chat in a friendly way, fine. If not, go get a porno and finish up like a human being.

Douche: Can I ask you a question?

Me: Out of sheer morbid curiosity… what is the question?

Douche: Cute response :) what is the best pose to display your asshole/how would you pose to display your asshole?

Me: wtf???

Douche: ?

Douche: You didn’t answer the question.

Me: I never said I would. I won’t talk dirty to you. I don’t know you.

Douche: I’m going to try again, asking a soon to be good friend to do me a favor and answer the question and down the road I’ll reciprocate for you, my soon to be good friend answer the question?

Me: No. Leave me the fuck alone.

He did, and finished up (apparently) because he came back later. I jumped in before he could give me details and told him that if I got one single detail, I was blocking him. I honestly don’t know why I didn’t just block him. I kind of wanted to see how far he’d go and how incredibly pathetic he was.

I don’t think people who chat with or cam with people online to get off are pathetic. If the people both want to chat, cam, whatever, then awesome. But if one person is repeatedly saying they don’t wanna talk dirty but would be interested in just chatting to get to know the person, but the other person keeps asking lewd and uninvited questions, that’s quite not okay.

Mind you, we’ve only chatted once before, and that first time, he was pulling all the same shit, which I evaded in the same way. Because, really? If I am going to chat dirty to you (which I probably won’t), I’m not going to chat dirty to you if I DO NOT EVEN KNOW YOU. Why would that get me aroused? Like, at all?

Oh, yes, random stranger, you like butt sex and you’re blah blah blah. That’s so hot. NOT! I do not get turned on by random faceless strangers telling me filthy things, because if I wanted to read random filthy things I could go read the erotica book I’m slacking about reviewing.

Oh, and? He’s a furry. A brown bear.

No comment. No motherfucking comment.

I suppose I’d like to conclude with this short piece of advice for would-be chatroom harassers:

Stranger, I do not care that your cock is floppy, hard, or throbby. I will not fuel your spank bank, as you’re one hand typing while you wank. I will not cam with you, here or there. I will not cam with a fucking brown bear. I will not cam with you anywhere.

Go watch a fucking porno and fuck off.